


moments when you and i are one

by miss_coverly



Series: inertia [2]
Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket (Anime 2019), Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Cunnilingus, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Fuckbuddies, Making Out, Manga Spoilers, Mutual Pining, Porn With Plot, Smut, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, canon compliant but make them horny faster, sleeping with ur best friend and yet ‘noooo there’s no way they love me back ahaha’
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:54:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27031501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_coverly/pseuds/miss_coverly
Summary: If someone told Tohru the day she moved into Shigure’s house that, one day, she and Kyo would be fuckbuddies, she would’ve blushed furiously and then told them, in the kindest way possible, that they were absolutely out of their mind.And yet.Here they are.--Kyo and Tohru continue to avoid their feelings, but now they’re having sex so it’s a bit more challenging.
Relationships: Honda Tohru/Sohma Kyou
Series: inertia [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1948753
Comments: 61
Kudos: 199





	moments when you and i are one

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is part 2 of my kyoru fwb AU. i recommend reading [entangle me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26754532) first if you haven’t already, or else you might be a little confused here haha. spoilers up to chapter 119/volume 20 of the manga!
> 
> much thanks to annabelle (@floraltohru) for beta-ing! hope y’all enjoy the sexy clown angst. :’))
> 
> here's a [sexy pining fic mix](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1FfbEaAZPVa7l53hz9iabw?si=v8E_0FcaQve4lXm40pJ4ng). title from [inertia](https://open.spotify.com/track/2uS9Q4QmCZUjQxDzvtSk10?si=r0ptufaKTHKfR4wb75ijCA) by brother moses.

i. care

If someone told Tohru the day she moved into Shigure's house that, one day, she and Kyo would be fuckbuddies, she would've blushed furiously and then told them, in the kindest way possible, that they were absolutely out of their mind.

And yet.

Here they are.

It's different from that first time now, when they were tentative and shy to start. Tohru locks the door behind them, and when she's turned around his mouth is pressed to hers. They move against each other in the middle of the room, the cloudy night keeping moonlight from spilling in through the window. It casts them in shadow as Kyo's tongue traces the inside of her mouth. His hands travel around to grab her ass, her skirt bunching where he touches her.

It's turned into something of a routine, not that they would ever discuss it. Conversations on the roof, sitting next to each other at dinner, even lingering while passing each other in the hallway—everything leads them here when the sun goes down. She doesn't know anymore if it's for practice, or if it's so she can do what the previous Cat's wife did... maybe it's just to blow off steam because life is hard.

Tohru doesn't know anymore, but she likes to think that maybe she doesn't need to as Kyo unbuttons her blouse with shaky fingers.

She lets the sleeves slide down her arms and off, and he pulls his shirt over his head next. His triceps flex with the movement, and it makes heat surge in her belly. He grips her jaw and tilts her chin up, pressing kisses down the line of her throat. Kyo is gentle and kind, she knows this—but everyday she yearns more for this version of him who bites down and bruises her skin, spiking her pulse. It makes her feel like she belongs to him. Like he _wants_ her, in this way, at least.

_It almost lets her think that he wants her as much as she wants him—_

Not that she wants anything more than this.

They've taken things slowly—maybe because neither of them is sure how to take another step forward without making it awkward, maybe because they're both terrified to cross a line. To make this something that it shouldn't be. They haven't done more than use their hands, still clumsy as they learn each other's bodies... but Tohru gets an idea as she feels Kyo's mouth on her skin. She reaches down and feels him twitch against her palm through his pants, runs her hand up and down the thickest part of him.

She starts working at unzipping his fly as he sucks on her pulse point. Once his pants are undone, she slips her hands below his waistband, feeling the sharp jut of his hipbones, his warm skin, the way he's already hard beneath her fingers—he gasps against her chest at the contact. She doesn't linger for too long before moving her hands around to his sides.

"Kyo-kun," she says, "would you mind if... I tried something new?"

"Uh, sure." He freezes against her neck. "Do whatever you want."

"Okay," she says. She slides his pants and boxers over his hips and down, slowly sinking to her knees with them. He steps out of his clothes, one foot at a time, and then she's wrapping her hand around his length.

She strokes up and down a few times, just to hear his breath hitch—and before she can lose her nerve, she takes the head of his cock into her mouth.

She freezes when she hears his voice, laced with panic.

" _Shit_ , what are you doing?"

Tohru pulls back and lets go of him as if burned. "I'm so—I'm so sorry," she says, tears welling up involuntarily. "I shouldn't have... I thought it might feel better than me using my hands, but I shouldn't have assumed... if you don't want me to—"

"No, hey, stop." Kyo kneels down with her, eyes still blown wide. "Fuck, I'm... it's not that I don't—that I wouldn't want you to."

She takes one of his hands and draws it closer to her, clings to it. "If you'd like me to, then why can't I?"

"I just—" He huffs a sigh. "I can't let you. Not right now."

He reaches out and wipes at her wet cheek with his thumb. His face is unreadable to her, but she still says, "Okay. I trust you."

She's thankful for the lack of light, but even the cover of darkness can't completely mask the uncomfortable air that's fallen over the room. They sit across from each other, hands entangled, almost naked, but the electricity is... dampened now.

Tohru is considering running from the room, escaping the awkward moment forever—never mind the fact that they're in _her_ bedroom—when Kyo speaks again.

"I did have another idea," he says, and his face is beet-red. "Only if you'd be okay with it."

"I told you, Kyo-kun. I trust you."

He pauses, then meets her eyes. "Go sit on the bed, then."

"Okay."

Kyo stands up with her, follows her to the bed. She slips off her skirt before sitting down on the edge, because it seems like the thing to do. The mattress dips where he sinks down next to her.

"Could you, uh... turn that way?" He points towards her bedside table, away from him. She does as he says, and then she feels his fingers working at the clasp on her bra. It's different from the rush she feels when he _touches_ her. The pads of his fingers brush over her skin, and the ache building in her gut is at odds with the flutter of warm fondness in her chest.

She smiles to herself, picturing the concentration on Kyo's face without looking at him.

"Do you need any help?" she asks, reaching behind herself. Her fingers tangle with his before he gently smacks her hand away.

"I'm not an idiot, I can do _this_ … just give me a second."

After a few more moments, Tohru feels her bra come loose and lets it fall off.

He sounds pleased with himself. "See? Told you I could."

"It was very impressive, Kyo-kun."

She doesn't look at him as he shifts closer, his breath on her shoulder. "Don't make fun of me."

"I would never," she giggles.

And then Kyo's lips meet the curve of her neck, and her eyelids flutter shut. It's different than earlier, when his mouth moved hungry and quick; he's slow and precise now, giving every inch of her skin his attention. It's not exactly calm confidence… she thinks he might be pretty nervous, actually.

It's more like he's holding something back, and it's driving her _crazy._

She reaches behind herself, feeling around blindly until she finds his hand resting on his knee and frustratingly not touching her. She grabs it and pulls it around, bringing it up to her chest—and it feels _good_ when he cups her breast. His hand is large and almost too warm against her skin, setting her nerves alight in a lovely way.

He seems to understand what she wants, because then he tentatively reaches his other hand around, too—she knows that she's the one who moved his hand, but his touch still makes her feel off-center and jittery from head to toe. He squeezes her breasts as he kisses up and down the slope of her shoulder. She gasps when he bites at the nape of her neck. It makes her head spin.

Kyo grabs her arms and turns her around, the movement awkward and unpracticed. It does its job, though, because now Tohru is facing him—his face flushed, his eyes hazy and darkened. He devotes his attention to her collarbone next, and she leans her head back as his lips move down her chest. His open-mouthed kisses travel lower and lower, but then he stalls.

"Can I… uh, y'know... kiss you there?" His words tickle her skin. It makes her shiver.

"Sure," she says.

Her breath hitches when she feels his mouth on her breast.

Kyo starts slow, with soft, sweet kisses. He's never been brave enough to do this before, but she has trouble remembering that right now. A whimper escapes her when he begins to suck on her breast, when she feels his tongue trace around her nipple.

He breaks away sooner than she would've liked. She meets his eyes, startled, when he grabs her chin.

He presses two fingers down on her bottom lip almost hesitantly. It reminds her that Kyo is equal parts rough and soft, both hardened and delicate. She opens her mouth and takes his fingers in further, feeling them against her tongue.

It doesn't seem like Kyo knows what he's doing—not that Tohru does, either—but when he starts slowly moving his fingers in and out, she matches the motion fully. She's fascinated as she watches his eyes widen; his pupils dilate as she moans softly against his skin.

It makes a faint, wet _pop_ when he pulls them out of her mouth, and Tohru can't think clearly as he cups one breast while his mouth returns to the other. He rubs his fingers, slick and wet, over the peak of her breast. His tongue drags languidly back and forth, circling and flattening against her stiffening nipple and making goosebumps rise on her skin. The wetness Kyo leaves all over her chest is nothing compared to the kind that she feels between her legs, and the realization makes her feel flushed, terrified, delirious. She feels his teeth graze the swell of her breast, and she cries out, wishing he would bite down harder.

"Why..." she whines when he pulls away again, embarrassed at how needy she sounds. But she gets her answer when his mouth starts moving down her body.

Kyo palms at her hips as he presses kisses to her abdomen. He goes lower inch by inch as he gets off the bed, sinks down to the floor in front of her. The angle is awkward, him leaning against her knees, so she widens her legs for him.

He abruptly stops what he's doing when she moves, his eyes going wide. Then something clicks, and Tohru realizes where he's headed next.

 _Oh._ Oh... oh.

"You can... take them off," she says, even as her face burns.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," and she grabs his hands on impulse, placing them on the elastic of her underwear. She hears him inhale sharply as his fingers curl into the fabric. Just the tiniest scrape of his nails against her skin makes her anxious, restless, impatient.

"You don't have to if you don't want to, though," she adds hurriedly, "and I wouldn't be upset—"

"I want to," he says, staring at her fingers on top of his.

She tries not to stutter as she says, "Then please do." He tugs at the elastic, so she moves her hands behind her and lifts her hips up. An answer to his silent question.

He takes her cue and pulls her underwear down her legs and off. Now he's _close_ , between her legs and almost flush with her body as she sits on the edge of the bed.

Kyo clears his throat. "Will you lay down?"

"Oh," because obviously that's what happens next, "right, sure." He flattens his hands on her stomach as she leans back, and then she's lying flat on the bed. She tries to focus on the bedroom ceiling and not the heat churning inside of her.

"I don't know if I'll be any good at this," he says. She shivers as his hands trail down her bare thighs, touching her so tentatively. She _feels_ his eyes on her, and it terrifies her as much as it turns her on.

"Well, what did you say about kissing?" she asks. "That it couldn't be too hard."

"You're the one who's good at that, so that's not helping us right now."

Tohru couldn't have heard that right.

"Wait, what?"

"You heard me," he mutters, and then she feels his face against her inner thigh—and maybe he does it because he's exasperated, but his breath tickling her skin is enough to short-circuit her brain and he _must_ be doing that on purpose—

"So you—you think I'm a good kisser?" She does a horrible job of hiding how breathless she is, how _off-kilter_ she feels.

"Well, yeah, or I wouldn't practice with you."

She flushes—bites her lip, feeling somehow emboldened lying on her back.

"Am I better than you?" she asks.

"Sure," he says, kissing further up her inner thigh once, twice, three times. "Now shut up, I'm not saying it again," and then his mouth is on her, and she doesn't know whether it's his sharp words or the warmth of his lips _right there_ that makes her burn the most, but she knows that it's _hot_.

Whatever she was going to say next gets lost in a stream of Kyo's name and _fuck fuck fuck._ Curses spill out of her mouth left and right, and Tohru has never sworn in her life—but there are a lot of things she does with Kyo that she's never done before.

She feels it all down to the tiniest detail, his tongue curling and then flattening until she can't form words anymore. And yet it also feels out-of-focus, like the world around her is blurring into nothing but sensation. His hand digs into her thigh like it could bruise, his beads rubbing against her skin, and his other hand comes around to grab her ass.

She shuts her eyes and runs her hands through his hair, holding on like it might be the only thing tethering her to this world. She curls her toes into the carpet, trying to stay inside her body so that she can keep feeling every movement of his mouth.

Tohru has never wanted to be the center of attention, but she finds a deeply-buried pleasure in having Kyo between her legs, focusing only on her. She hates to give in to this neediness, never wants to admit that she's _yearned_ for this, but it feels something like being taken care of (and maybe it isn't selfish to let that happen just once... just for a little bit).

She widens her legs, and her hips tremble with every flick of his tongue. She doesn't think she's ever felt this vulnerable in her entire life, and it scares her—but it's just like it always is with Kyo, she realizes, the way that he somehow breaks down her walls and stays, whether she's good or ugly or a grotesque mixture of the two.

And it's strange to feel ugly and exposed, coming undone in his arms, at the same time as she feels euphoric and light.

It's too much and not enough, his hands kneading into her body, his mouth hot and wet. It's something like being... _devoured._ It's a word that she would associate with a monster—and maybe that's a piece of Kyo, some grotesque part of him, but she loves him just the way that he is. She _loves_ him, hungry and giving and monstrous and kind. She lifts her head and sees him through barely-open eyes, his hair like some seraphic halo—and it's as if nothing else exists beyond the two of them and this dark room.

She feels him moan against her, the low sound ringing in her ears and the sensation running rampant throughout her entire body. She brings a hand up to cover her mouth, muffling the sound as she cries out. An unhinged intensity grows like wildfire in her gut, starting at Kyo's mouth against her clit and spreading all the way to her fingers and to the tips of her toes.

It fills Tohru with anxiety—but with something like lust as well.

She feels like she's losing control of something, knees buckling and hooking over Kyo's shoulders. She thinks she must seem like a wild animal as she tries to draw him closer, somehow closer than he already is. It's like fighting against the tide, trying to stay afloat and not drown in all that she feels, all that she wants but can't have, the heat in her gut that she thinks might consume her if she lets it.

And what if she did... what if she gave in and let herself be eaten alive by the feeling, by him? And maybe it would be okay, and he wouldn't leave her behind because of it, wouldn't leave her behind because she loves him—

 _Oh. She loves him_.

Maybe more than she's ever loved anything before. She can't even think about it right now.

She sees white as it washes over her, as she finally lets go. His name is the only thing she can think to say, breathing it in and out, out and in, like a curse or like a prayer.

Kyo doesn't stop until the stars leave her vision and her panting slows, and when he looks up at her, she takes in his blown pupils, his ruddy cheeks—and his mouth most of all, shiny wet. Tohru wants to memorize the image and keep it in her mind's eye forever, cling to it long after he's locked away and she's all alone and this is nothing but a memory, a dull ache in her heart.

But memories always fade.

* * *

ii. see

Kyo isn't really keeping track of how long they've been doing this anymore, not in a linear way.

He measures the time in how quickly they take off each other's clothes now, how many marks they leave that have to be carefully hidden the next day. How many times Tohru gasps his name as she goes over the edge, and how long it takes her to leave him flushed and panting from her hands alone.

And so, time passes—or rather, it's more like time running out. A clock counting down, the seconds ticking away until all of this is over. But thinking about that doesn't do them any good, does it?

So they fuck. They do things that are comfortable, things that are easy and sexy and fun. It's never too intimate, Kyo tells himself, never betrays any underlying emotions because those shouldn't exist anyway (not for him, and certainly not for Tohru—he knows this). It's never more than practice, or help, or whatever lie he wills himself to believe that day. It's never more than what little it is.

Until a few weeks ago when he started going down on her. Until he held her through the sheet hanging on the clothesline today. Until the first day they met, if he's being honest, and every little thing that's happened since then, the way that she's cracked through his every defense, and the way that she lets him in, too.

If Kyo tries to pinpoint when it all became messy, he sees pretty clearly that it was always going to be.

Holding Tohru close for as long as he could as she cried into his chest—a stolen touch, something he had no right to take. But it seemed like she needed something from him.

And as he kneels between her legs, he hears her broken whispers turn into moans, and he feels her rut and shake desperately against his mouth.

And it seems like she still needs _something_.

Kyo knows they're treading dangerous ground as her whole body tenses, and then her breathing finally slows back down.

"Tohru," he says after a moment.

"Yes?" she breathes. She props herself up on her elbows to look at him hazily, and he takes in her ruddy cheeks, her messy hair, her chest flushed red. He's overcome with something, and without really meaning to, he's pressing his mouth wherever he can without rhyme or reason: below her navel, then up her stomach as he crawls onto the bed on top of her.

He hopes he's not quite as incompetent at this as he used to be.

He sucks on her breast, and her sighs are strained and high-pitched. She lays back down as he trails kisses up her throat, licking along her jaw as her hand moves down between his legs, stroking him up and down. She's less clumsy than she used to be, too, and he groans against her skin.

"Kyo-kun," she gasps as he sucks on her pulse point.

"Yeah?"

"Were you… going to say something?"

He has an idea.

It still scares him. It fills him with shame, with the feeling that Tohru is clean and he's dirty. That when all is said and done, she's human and he's _not_. But if it would bring her smile back, he'd do anything.

Even if it's for her sake, it feels like putting his trust in her.

"Yeah." Kyo sits back, struggling to keep his voice light, like it's no big deal. "Well. What you wanted to do that one time..."

"What?"

"Y'know... with your..." This is stupid. He's being stupid. He needs to grow up and say it. "With your mouth."

" _Oh_. Oh," Tohru says, sitting up next to him.

"Well, I was thinking... I would be okay if you did now." He flushes, staring down at the floor. "Only if you still wanted to."

And before he even processes what's happening, she surges forward and kisses him on the mouth, forceful but with that same neediness from earlier that afternoon. It shocks him, but he doesn't try to push her away. Her fingertips press hard into his shoulders, and he lets his hands wander over her bare abdomen, her slender arms, her naked back. Always keeping her at a distance, but walking a thinner line with each passing night.

She breaks the kiss, leaning into the crook of his neck. "Yes," she says, "I still want to, Kyo-kun." Her breath against his skin, erratic and quick, cuts deeper than her words in a terrifying way.

"You—you could've just said so," he stammers, face burning. "You didn't need to..."

She leans back, eyes widening. "Right, sorry." She quickly breaks away from him, their arms disentangling. Now there's only empty space where her hands rested on his skin.

"It's fine," he says.

Never letting this become too familiar, too intimate between them.

That's the last thing Kyo wants for her.

It felt right to be on the floor between Tohru's legs, looking up at her like someone to be worshiped, someone other-worldly, someone far better than him. But now he's sitting on the bed, and she's sinking to her knees in front of him. And the thought that they could be reversed, that she could look up at him and see anything like his image of her, sweet and ethereal—it's too much to deal with right now, so he shuts his eyes tightly as she takes him into her mouth.

It's honestly not like anything he's ever felt before, and he _knew_ it would be like that, because of course mouths are different than hands—but with his eyes closed, _all_ he can focus on is her lips moving up and down, her tongue sliding against his length, little touches of her hands at the same time. It's sloppy and wet, slow and unsure—but it's taking Kyo's breath away all the same, so quickly that it terrifies him.

He digs his nails into the bed sheets to keep from making noise, stray twitches of his hips betraying how he's already coming undone. Everything is darkness and the warm pressure of her mouth, and he inhales sharply when he _feels_ Tohru moan at the same time as he hears it.

He's becoming overwhelmed with pleasure at the same time as dread claws into his back. He knows her eyes are on him, and it sets off every fight-or-flight response in him to be seen like this, out of control and breakable.

He hates being seen, even after all this time, and he can't look at her either—because too quickly the image morphs into her mother stepping into the street, his own mother walking in front of the train, the back of every person whose life he's ruined walking away. And then he's face-to-face with the fact that that's Tohru's future as long as he's here with her, and he _knows_ that he needs to let her go, he needs to get up and leave, he needs to get out of here and just _run_ —

Her mouth suddenly pulls away, and a whine comes out of him at the loss of sensation. He flushes hot, embarrassed at the sound.

"Kyo-kun?"

"Huh?" he rasps, cracking open an eyelid, and his brain starts to short-circuit at the sight of her swollen lips, now darkened and wet. It overwhelms his senses all at once, and he looks away.

"Why won't you…" she takes a deep breath, "why won't you look at me?"

"What?"

"Well, it's just that you… you always close your eyes. Anytime I touch you."

"Oh." He doesn't know what he was expecting, but it wasn't that. "Does it matter?"

"No! No, it's fine," Tohru stammers. "It doesn't matter… I'm sorry for bringing it up—you shouldn't if you don't want to."

Kyo keeps his eyes fixed on the wall. "What do _you_ want, though?"

"That's not—don't worry about me." He hears her smile, the cheeriness of her voice at odds with the dark. "It's not important, and it was probably rude of me to mention it anyway—"

"Tohru, stop," he wills himself to look down at her, "it _is_ important. You don't have to pretend around me… or lie, or anything," he says. "Just tell me what you want."

Her eyes go wide. "Oh… okay," she says slowly, then speaks deliberately, "well—yes." Her gaze is somehow timid and confident at the same time, cheeks dusted pink. "I want you to… look at me, Kyo-kun."

There's an ache in his chest, an awareness that simply meeting her eyes feels much more vulnerable, more terrifying than being naked together in the dark ever will be.

He takes a deep breath, releases it. "I can, then."

Tohru smiles and says, "Thank you."

And when she takes Kyo into her mouth again, it's like the moment was never interrupted. A soft moan slips out of him. Her eyes flit up to look at him, and it feels embarrassing, _shameful_. She doesn't look away, her brown eyes flickering in the night.

He's never wanted anyone to look at him—and he's never wanted to look _at_ anyone either. He was fine to shut his eyes and block his ears to reality, until she brought it up, until she showed up in his life. His panic must show in his eyes, because Tohru shuts hers again, her mouth moving faster now.

Against his better judgment he watches her—and it's something about the fragments of moonlight hitting her, how they move and morph to the tiny movements of her body, her face. Light and shadow mixing on her skin, never fixed in one place, ever-changing. Pulling him forward.

He stops himself from screwing his eyes shut again.

Now he can _see_ everything he feels, too, and he didn't realize how heady it would be. Her tongue drags over the head of his cock, her lips sliding back down around him. It builds faster this time, that warm ugly feeling that threatens to take over him, turn him inside out for her to see—because he can _see_ her eyes dart up to search his face, again and again.

Kyo doesn't feel like himself as their eyes meet, but not in a bad way. Her earnestness flares up every insecurity he has, and he tastes his racing pulse on the back of his teeth. He's not used to attention… _attentiveness_ like this from someone. He never thought he deserved it, and the thought hammers against his skull as he watches her.

Tohru's mouth moves passionate and clumsy, and yet she's... _gentle_. He's been tossed around his entire life, beaten down and done the same to others. Her care, her sensitivity, her tenderness... He has no right to any of it, knows that she would never want him to have it. Not if she knew.

_It's a mistake it's a mistake it's a mistake—_

She pulls away again, and fear builds in his bones. "Tohru?"

She doesn't move far, and he can feel her hot breath on him as she speaks. "I just… you can touch me, too. If you'd like."

"Uh—sure," he says, voice catching as she starts doing something with her mouth that she _definitely wasn't doing before_. He doesn't grab fistfuls of her hair, tug at it the way that she does to him. It's enough to rest his hands on her head, feel her soft hair beneath his fingertips. It's not like he's holding onto something that isn't his. It's just a small temporary comfort, just to _feel_ her there with him for now. It's like safety.

He tries to stop the jerking of his hips, the gasps and moans growing louder that he doesn't want her to hear. It feels like taking advantage of her, and he hates that all he knows how to do is take, take, _take_ from her.

He needs to let go of her.

He can't let go of her.

And now he looks down at her hollowed-out cheeks and flushed face, and the realization that _she wants him too_ is a slap in the face. She looks up at him again—eyes dark and animalistic, something he's never seen in them, and it scares him as much as it makes his blood run hot.

He realizes that maybe this is what loving and being loved in return feels like.

When he comes, he finally shuts his eyes. It feels like an out-of-body experience—like he's no longer in a cage.

Tohru pulls away, but it still gets on her. When Kyo sees her, the sight overwhelms him, more vivid than he's used to seeing anything. The mess on her collarbone, her breasts, a bit on her chin… it fills his chest with deep disgust, but with an unfamiliar warmth, too. It's a double-edged sword.

Love consumes him, torments him with hatred for himself at the same time as it banishes every other thought—for a moment, it's just Tohru, and all that he feels.

He wordlessly grabs the tissue box off the nightstand and pulls her up onto the bed next to him. His face burns as he takes a few tissues and wads them up. He holds back the impulse to scrub hard and frantic, get every trace of him off of her skin.

Wiping gently along her collarbone, he's careful as he goes lower to the swell of her breasts. He gets another tissue from the box to wipe off her chin, and the motion brings his eyes back to her lips, red and parted.

Kyo doesn't have to imagine anymore what this would feel like, and that's a dangerous thing. The moment blares loud and quiet at the same time.

He reaches down and presses a kiss to the inside of her wrist, and he can feel the faint thump of her pulse against his lips.

"Kyo-kun," she says in a rush, "I—" The words seem to die on her tongue, but she doesn't have to speak for him to _know_. To feel it churn in his gut.

The happiness, the elation of knowing that she...

He barely has a chance to feel it. Before it gives way to horror. It's natural for darkness to be drawn to the light, for something ugly to pine after goodness.

But beauty chasing after the beast doesn't make sense. It doesn't match the story, the narrative written under his skin and worn around his wrist like a shackle.

Tohru looks at him, pupils still blown and saying more than either of them ever can. He leans forward and kisses her hard. He feels like he's sinking.

* * *

iii. stay

"Tohru, where'd you get that?"

She sucks in a breath when Kyo pauses. The night grinds to a halt, her dress off now and clutched in his hands. His brow is furrowed and his eyes are fixed on her right thigh, the spot that's mottled blue-red-purple and stings every time she touches it.

It's not as obvious as the one that Kagura left on her cheek earlier, so Tohru hoped he wouldn't notice it in the dark of her bedroom. But he's always noticed little things about her, things she hides from herself, even—so it's no surprise that his eyes are glued to the bruise once he's lifted her dress up and over her head.

She avoids his eyes, because explaining the bruise means explaining many other things, too.

"Kagura?" he presses.

Panic surges in her stomach, because when all is said and done, it's not Kagura who's at fault.

"No, no, it wasn't her, really!" Tohru waves her hands around, protesting until Kyo takes them in his own, like he's anchoring her. "Well, my face was her," she amends, "but the other one is just from when I fell, I promise."

"And when did you fall?"

"Well... that was… when everything happened with Kagura," she admits.

"That's what I thought, dummy," he says, voice sharp but hand gentle as he runs his thumb over her bruised cheek. "You should be more careful." He pauses. "What was she so pissed about, anyway?"

"I don't really know," Tohru says, tries to brush it off. "I probably said something stupid."

"Yeah, you do that a lot," Kyo smirks.

She tries to frown and fails at it. " _Not_ a lot... only sometimes."

He pats her cheek, and her skin tingles under his touch. "It's cute," he says, but then his eyes widen.

He turns bright red and jerks his hand away. It's like the words leaked out of their own volition, like someone accidentally left a door unlocked, a floodgate open.

Tohru flushes too, but she'd be lying if she said it's not out of shock, breathlessness, _giddiness._ "What?"

"I just... calm down, lots of things are cute, okay?"

"Okay." She can't stop smiling.

"Just forget it." His words are harsh, but his eyes burn so softly as he reaches around to her back. He undoes her bra easily; he has more practice now.

"Will you lay down?" he asks.

She lets her bra fall onto the bed and casts it aside. "Sure," she says, and she leans back until she's flat on the bed, her head propped up on her pillows.

It's like clockwork—almost like a game, as he tugs her underwear over her hips and down. She kicks them off and widens her legs so that he can come closer.

It's like her world becomes smaller, more intimate and less overwhelming, as Kyo holds himself above her. She runs her hands over his bare chest; everything is his warm skin and his eyes raking down her frame. He leans down and kisses her, parts her lips and licks into her mouth and makes her feel like they're _one_.

Sometimes, Tohru lets herself believe it, regardless of the distance they have to maintain.

She fiddles with the drawstring on his sweatpants as they kiss, tugs at his waistband petulantly. He laughs against her lips.

"Eager," he teases, breaking away to remove his pants. She doesn't argue, just pulls his mouth back to hers when he's done. He doesn't complain.

She wonders when they went from friends, to fucking, to something more than that.

_To her being in love with him._

No matter the excuses, the justification, the twisted logic that led them here, she sees now that none of it matters. That she's a liar. Needs _too much._

Selfish.

It's only ever been about him, even if she didn't realize it. She wonders how long she has until it all shatters around her.

She has to tell him.

Because she bites down on his bottom lip, and it's not enough. Because he drags his tongue across her chest, and it's not enough. She finally knows, down to the smallest detail, exactly what it feels like for him to leave bruises on her collarbone, to suck on her breasts, to bury his head between her legs—and it's _still not enough._

She needs to tell him.

"You really don't remember what you and Kagura were fighting about?" Kyo asks, and Tohru almost cries out at the loss of his mouth on her breast.

"It was s—" she gasps, words gone as she feels his hand much lower, thumb brushing over her clit, "... silly. It really doesn't matter."

Kyo frowns at her, but only for a moment. He returns to her breasts, trailing kisses down her stomach. He moves back onto his heels, and goosebumps rise on her skin, just like they always do, as she watches his pupils dilate as he looks at her.

His lips move lower still, roving up and down her legs lazily and never quite reaching the apex of her thighs. He's less shy than he used to be. He _teases_ her sometimes, and it makes her breath quicken and her head feel empty.

"Kyo-kun," she whines as his tongue drags along her skin, so dangerously close to her heat but _not close enough_. He snorts, but then she feels him shifting. He gently grips her thigh, a thumb running over her bruise. His beads dig into her flesh, and it almost feels like a comfort.

"I can tell when you're scared to tell me something, y'know," he says, and the bluntness of his voice doesn't match the tenderness with which he presses a kiss to the bruise. It should hurt, but all Tohru feels is an intense ache, painful and sweet at the same time. The intimacy of it makes her feel _too_ present, _too_ here in this moment. Too vulnerable.

"Well I… it's just…" And she trails off, because now Kyo is looking up at her from between her legs. He always looks at her so intently, like he sees right through her.

And she thinks that he has to _know_. It makes her feel more exposed than anything ever has.

"She just thinks that I need to be more honest," Tohru lies through her teeth.

"She's not wrong. You shouldn't bottle things up."

"Well, I don't always... _want_ to talk about everything," she shrugs, trying to keep things light and easy. "You're not honest all the time either, are you?"

Kyo sits back up, and she misses having him close. "More than you, yeah. It's not that hard." His voice is gruff, on the verge of irritated, but he rests his hands on her knees like she's delicate… like he cares. It's confusing how having sex with Kyo is dangerous and safe at the same time.

It makes her feel bold. Impulsive. Reckless.

"Well," she says, "if I'm being _honest_ , I want you to go down on me."

She doesn't usually ask for what she wants, so she doesn't know what possessed her to say it—but it's worth it for the look on Kyo's face. She feels hot, but it's nothing compared to the instantaneous flush of his cheeks. He looks like he can't form words, can't _think_.

It's heady to know that she can do that to him.

"S—sure," he stammers. She can't help but giggle at how absolutely off-kilter, how _goofy_ he looks.

Something flashes in his eyes, and he doesn't look goofy anymore as he moves closer.

Tohru's laughter dies on her lips because now he's on top of her again, kissing her hard and stealing the air from her lungs. He pins her to the bed as he holds himself above her. Gripping her wrists firmly but not enough to hurt, he insinuates his knee between her thighs—and she wishes she could exist only to feel him, that the only sensation would be him touching her and everything else would disappear.

Kissing him tastes the same as guilt to her.

And yet, she meets his tongue with her own, gasping when he abandons her lips and starts pressing open-mouthed kisses along the curve of her jaw.

Kyo's breath is ragged against her ear. "Are you done laughing at me?" He tugs on her earlobe with his teeth, and she moans. "Couldn't really hear you—what was that?" he asks again, his voice playful but _infuriating_ to Tohru. He licks lazily along her throat, his intensity suddenly gone and replaced with casualness.

" _Kyo-kun,_ " she whines. She wants to touch him too, but her hands are no match for his strong grip. She's searching for friction and she's _wet_ —so she rocks her hips against his leg, gasping at the pleasure that pools in her gut. She does it again and again, and it feels like it might knock her unconscious. Kyo groans against her neck, wet and hot.

" _Fuck_ ," he breathes, eyes drifting down to where she ruts against him.

He shifts them until he's fully between her legs. He grinds his hips into her, and her brain nearly shuts down altogether. He's _hard_ , and it's messing with her ability to think or speak or do anything other than make ugly, needy sounds and chase after that sensation.

She lifts her hips to meet his, his soft moan ringing in her ears. All at once he lets go of her wrists and moves off of her. She wants to cry at the loss of contact. But then she looks down, and his face is between her legs again.

A high, keening noise escapes her throat as Kyo licks along one side of her slit, then the other. She bites her lip, arousal fogging up her vision. He's _slow_ , like he doesn't feel time caving in on them the same way that she does—like he's not thinking about how everything ends.

He spreads her legs further and she follows his cue, bending her knees and trying to press closer to him. She gasps when he bites the tender skin of her inner thigh, the feeling so different from when he kissed her bruise but still just as maddening. His fingertips skim along her thighs, and his tongue is _so close to where she wants him_ —but not there yet.

She lifts her hips up impatiently. He chuckles, and the soft exhalation on her skin, as light as it is, makes her feel like she's coming undone already. He runs his thumb over her clit, and she whimpers as he teases a finger against her entrance.

Nails dig faintly into her hipbones, and he presses a soft kiss against her clit. She feels grounded and weightless at the same time.

It's not that Kyo wasn't _good_ at this at first, but he's definitely gotten better. He's always listened to her, always been able to tell how she feels before anyone else can—sometimes before she can even understand it herself. Sex isn't any different.

He traces patterns with his tongue, and it's like he cares enough to pay attention to the tiniest detail, to figure out exactly what she likes and give it to her. He seems to read her best when her eyes are closed, when her face is flushed, when she's panting and writhing around from his mouth alone.

Practice makes perfect. That's always been the goal, anyway.

Tohru's back arches as Kyo's tongue delves in, and she clutches onto the pillows next to her head. She thinks her existence could be summed up in breathless sighs, in dark rooms, in creaking bed frames and their warm rhythm.

_Touch._

She opens her eyes to look at him then, to watch him as his tongue curls and flattens. He does so many things that she can't properly put into words, that she can only _feel_. His gaze flits up to meet hers for a moment, almost predatory—it makes her want to hide at the same time as she yearns to stay just like this. She feels seen, _known_ , and love and hate intertwine in her stomach because of it.

She screws her eyes shut again, overwhelmed as he slides his finger slowly inside her and sucks on her clit. She gasps his name again and again, a familiar melody. His hand moves in tandem with his mouth, one finger in and out, and then two.

Before now, his body, his mouth, his hands—they consumed her, filled her up and gave her something to tether herself to. The world around her changed, everything inside of her shifted, but Kyo stayed the same.

But now her feelings don't crawl beneath the surface. Her desires don't stay locked behind closed doors. It's the redness of her cheeks, the bruises on her skin. She wears the way that she loves him on her sleeve.

And everyone knows by now. He must know.

Waves of _something_ threaten to pull Tohru under, a mixture of ecstasy and panic growing in her veins. They run parallel, with no sign of which one will crash first. She's overwhelmed by it.

Even with his mouth on her, with his fingers inside her, she feels so _empty_.

" _Kyo-kun_ ," she says, her voice shaking as she trembles against him. She reaches down, finds fistfuls of his hair and claims him as her own. _Greedy_ is how she sees herself, rocking her hips into his face. Fire builds in her lower abdomen, chasing any logic or sense out of her thoughts until the only thing left is need.

She needs more because he _knows_ , and if he knows then he'll leave, and if he leaves then she wants him as close as possible until he's gone. Kyo will be gone, and she'll be alone.

_Even though she loves him so much, he'll still—_

She comes, and she feels too much altogether.

She feels everything.

_He'll still leave._

It's hard to breathe. The white spots fade from her eyes as she comes back to reality, choking on Kyo's name. But her vision is still hazy, and panic shoots up her spine as she realizes.

She's crying.

It's like coming up for air while drowning, or awakening from a nightmare—to feel herself shake, to feel her breathing ricochet inside her chest without hearing it. To see Kyo's blurred face above her, expression absolutely terrified.

She's crying and she can't stop.

He pulls her up by her arms, and he's saying something like her name but she can't quite process it.

"... what's the matter?" She finally starts to hear him over her hiccuping sobs. " _Tohru_ , talk to me."

And she wants to, and she _tries_ —because talking to him always made her feel better before. But when she sees him like this, open and constant and _here_ , it feels too close to a future where he's gone. It feels like two sides of the same coin, and now she hates looking at either of them.

She doesn't have any words left, so she cries.

"Tohru, it's okay," he says. "Listen, it's okay." And then he takes her face in his hands and starts pressing his lips to her cheek, her jaw, her temple. Little kisses everywhere—not hungry, but sweet and soft and intimate.

"Just breathe," he says, his lips moving against her ear. She closes her eyes and tries to listen to him, tries to quiet her sobs and focus on the cadence of his breathing.

Her heartbeat slows to the rhythm of Kyo's warm breath, inhaling and exhaling on her skin. Steady.

He brushes her bangs back to kiss her forehead, and she realizes how damp with sweat they are. How messy, how _unhinged_ she must look.

Kyo's voice is small. "Did I hurt you?"

"No." Tohru shakes her head. "It's not your fault."

"What's wrong, then?"

Talking to Kyo has become something like walking tip-toe through a minefield. Setting down bombs while never triggering an actual explosion. She thinks about telling him the truth as often as she stops herself.

She keeps her eyes shut. "Nothing's wrong, I promise."

"You're full of shit," he says, and she feels his knuckles against her forehead. It makes her laugh, makes her feel warm and light, even after everything.

But heaviness still weighs her down, like chains around her neck. She gives into it, lets herself slump forward. She rests her head against Kyo's chest, and the rise and fall of it reminds her that they're both still here.

He brings his hand up to cradle her head, carding his fingers through her hair. She feels her breathing fall in time with his. It's a little bit like being apart of him.

"I told you, you don't have to be scared to tell me stuff," he says softly. "You can talk, and I'll listen. It won't freak me out."

"Okay… thank you," she replies. "I guess it's just… hard to say what I feel."

Everything is quiet except for the sound of his heartbeat.

"What, is this about a guy or something?"

Tohru swears that her pulse stops, that her world skids to a halt. She stays against his chest, eyes wide open now. "No, _no_ , of course not! It's really nothing like that at all—"

" _Tohru_ ," and he's taking her hands in his, folding them in his lap. "Look, I said when you got a boyfriend… that I'd help you out with it, okay? Just talk to me."

And she feels like she can't keep anything from him, really, even with her eyes hidden. His hands are warm on top of hers. It's distracting.

"It's… something like that." She doesn't have words at first. She fiddles with the beads around his wrist, and he lets her. "I was telling Isuzu-san how I… feel about someone, but then Kagura told me that I should stop talking about it and just tell them myself. And I really wish that I _could_ tell them, but it's… not that simple."

"Why's that?"

She barely whispers, "I would only cause problems for them if they knew."

"That's just silly," he says. It's quiet again, and her hands shake as his beads slip through her fingers. "So… what's this guy like, then?"

Tohru's face starts to burn, and she wonders if he can feel the heat on his skin, too.

"He's... kind to me."

Kyo snorts. "That it?"

"No, of course not! He's… caring, too. More than he wants anyone to know, I think." She speaks carefully. "He's honest, and he's trustworthy… and his eyes light up when he talks about the things that matter to him. He listens to me, even when I don't know what to say, and I just... like being with him." She laughs a little as her heart swells. "Oh, and he's very handsome, too, even when he's grumpy… and he's cute when he's embarrassed."

She stares down at their hands and grins. "His smile makes me happy, Kyo-kun."

"You're such a sap," he says, but his voice sounds almost… hollow. The wind chime rings faintly outside, carried up by the breeze and filling the silence between them.

She takes a deep breath. She feels naked.

"Do you think I should tell him?" she asks.

It's like she can feel Kyo's heartbeat stutter in his chest. She lifts her head to meet his wide eyes—and it's different from when he gets flustered, when he's red and stammering. His cheeks are dusted pink, brows upturned. His expression is empty, or maybe too full.

"No," he says. "Don't."

It feels like being slapped. Or like being left behind.

Neither of them says anything for a moment. There's the faint sound of the heater kicking on from downstairs, to match the weather outside getting colder.

She feels something stir in her gut, something fragile and angry and reckless. She's _sad_ , and they're entangled, and even if he doesn't love her, she still _wants_ him.

"Okay," she says, "I won't."

But she still leans down and presses a kiss to his chest.

Kyo's breath hitches, and it urges Tohru on. She holds his hands and presses her lips again and again to his skin. She drags her tongue over his nipple, tries to taste his beating heart. She wants every inch of him to be hers.

_He's not, though._

She trails open-mouthed kisses up his chest, tracing her tongue along his collarbone and licking into the hollow of his throat. What starts as soft and languid grows to be hungry and erratic. She reaches the juncture of his neck and shoulder and sucks on his skin there. He sighs, and the sound is so unlike him that it makes her stomach flip-flop.

She bites down and hears him moan. Strained, tortured.

She puts her hands on his broad shoulders and comes closer, her mouth traveling up his throat. She feels Kyo's hands again, warm on her abdomen, moving up to cup her breasts. She kisses him below his ear, parting her lips and swiping her tongue over his skin. He gasps her name, and it mingles with the sound of his own ringing out inside her mind. She licks along his jawline, feels him squeeze her breasts, and all she can make sense of is that she needs him.

_She needs him._

His hand leaves her breast and goes lower, rubbing tiny circles against her clit—and for some stupid reason, it's like taking a step backwards. It's just his fingers, and it makes her feel so _empty_ all over again.

It's not enough.

She breaks away from his neck, and his hand stops. Their eyes meet, and she's stubborn, refusing to look away. She trails her hands over his pecs, down his muscled abdomen and through the coarse red hair below his navel. He doesn't try to stop her.

She palms at his erection through his boxers, strokes up and down as he breathes in sharply. She watches as there's a shift in his eyes. It's like something going up in flames.

He grabs her jaw and kisses her hard.

It feels like forgetting how to breathe, but Tohru thinks she might be able to live without oxygen if it means that this never stops, and Kyo never leaves her, and they never have to think about what comes next.

She threads her fingers through his hair, nails scraping against the nape of his neck. His hand is moving again, a finger slipping inside her, and she gasps hot and wet against his mouth. He bites her bottom lip, tugs at it with his teeth before kissing her again.

And she still feels frustrated, scattered, incomplete.

Kyo's hands snake around to grab her ass. She lets him pull her closer until she's straddling him, knees on either side of his lap. There's still that familiar distance between their chests, always a cruel reminder—but she can _feel_ him through his boxers now, right against her heat.

She settles more fully into his lap and rocks her hips into his as they kiss. Even through the fabric, the friction makes something short circuit inside of her. He moans into her open mouth, squeezing her ass. She does it again.

"Hold on," he pulls away, breathless, "do you want to stop?"

And it sounds like such a silly question to Tohru. " _No_ , I want…" she trails off, unable to form words as she grinds against him. "Please, just… more."

" _Tohru_ ," and it sounds like a groan of both pleasure and frustration, "I don't think you want this."

She feels better and worse with every jerk of her hips, as the slickness between her legs grows, but the emptiness inside her intensifies, too. "Kyo-kun, I _do_."

His eyes go wide with realization, and he turns bright red. " _Tohru_ , that's stupid."

Her stomach drops. "It's not… stupid." She struggles to justify this to him, justify it to herself. "We talked about it… Shishou's grandfather and his wife… how I could do the same thing—"

"This isn't about any of that," and his hands still hold onto her so firmly, even as his words push her away. "This was supposed to be about… I don't know, helping you be prepared for when you meet someone, okay? Just… practice for you. It's not about me."

"Does it even matter what the reason is?" she asks.

"Yeah, because it keeps both of us from being idiots."

She doesn't know what to do except kiss him again. He meets her mouth with his own, clumsy and starving for anything to hold onto, as his words hang suspended in the air. She widens her legs and rolls her hips against him. He bucks into her in return this time, and she whimpers softly into his mouth.

She breaks the kiss but doesn't move away, eyes still closed.

"You… you told me to be selfish," she says against his lips, "didn't you? If I'm upsetting you, or you don't want to, you can stop me… but you can be selfish, too. If you want to be."

She hears him sigh, feels his breath against her mouth. She opens her eyes and sees the set of his jaw, the intensity of his eyes.

"Well, we need a condom," he says, palms trailing up to hold her waist. "I think Shigure keeps them in the bathroom or something."

"I already got some."

"What? When?"

"A few days ago. They're in the middle drawer."

"Oh," he says, a flush spreading up his neck and across his cheeks.

Tohru tries to keep her heart from beating out of her chest as she moves off of Kyo's lap and he gets off the bed. He pulls off his boxers as he walks to the bedside table, stepping out one leg at a time. She stares down at where he leaves them on the ground; she doesn't think she can handle watching him as he rifles through the drawer for the box of condoms.

Eventually, he turns around with one in his hand.

"I don't really…" he trails off. He's blushing. He looks _helpless_. It makes her giggle, even as he scowls.

"Let me try," she says gently, ignoring the way her own face heats up as he hands the little packet to her. She focuses on the mechanics of it all—tearing it open, taking it out of the foil, carefully rolling it onto him.

If she focuses on that, she doesn't have to focus on the anxiety wracking her nerves, or the lust, the _need_ , pooling in her gut the longer they draw out this moment.

"Thanks," Kyo mutters, avoiding her eyes. "Just lay down on the bed."

Tohru frowns.

"But shouldn't I… I mean…"

"Shouldn't you what?"

She stares at the floor, cheeks burning. "Well, I… shouldn't it be… from behind?"

"What? Tohru, _no_ ," he splutters, "for—for your first time I don't—I don't want you to… to have to do… We can do it like this," he finally says, firm yet gentle. "I can hold myself up, and we won't touch… you can trust me."

"You're strong enough to do that?" she teases.

He scowls, blushing. "Yeah, dummy, I am," he mutters, but something roguish and predatory flashes in his eyes all the same. It makes her feel hot.

She lays down and lets him crawl onto the bed, settling between her legs. It's still like shockwaves to feel him so close, to feel something _hard_ brush against her inner thigh. It makes her feel itchy and impatient and delirious. He places his hands on either side of her, and now there's nothing to do but look right into his eyes.

"I do trust you, Kyo-kun," she says.

Something in her heart flutters when he leans down and presses his lips to her cheek. After everything they've done since the sun went down, what they've given and taken and shared, it's funny that a kiss on her cheek makes her feel like she's coming undone.

"Just tell me if you want to stop," he says gruffly.

She nods. "Okay."

He pauses, concentration and self-control sharpening the lines of his face. Tohru holds his gaze, half-lidded and burning. It feels like being pinned down again, except he's not grabbing her wrists—it's his eyes alone this time. Because he can't actually touch her when they're like this.

_He can't hold her—_

She breathes in sharply as she feels him against her entrance.

Practice made her confident, but in this moment everything feels different to her. Anticipation mixes with seriousness, with some kind of _reverence_. And she wonders then, for the millionth time or the first time, when they stopped fucking and started doing something like… making love. The cliché twists in her gut like nausea at the same time as it makes her heart soar.

It almost makes her think that… that he might…

She gasps when he starts to sink in, and every other thought leaves her head.

He freezes. "Does that hurt?" he asks, a hitch in his voice.

She shakes her head. "No, just… just please keep going."

He listens to her, slowly but surely sinking further in. She doesn't understand how having him inside her can feel like her entire being is expanding without it hurting, how she can feel like she's full while still craving more. There's no space left for thinking. The only thing she can process right now is what she feels. He settles fully into her, and she whines at the loss of motion.

"Okay, I'm gonna…" he trails off, voice strained, "is that… alright?"

" _Yes_ ," she's on the verge of babbling, "yes, yes."

He smirks. "One yes would've been enough, y'know."

"Shut up," she breathes. She's _never_ said that to him before, she realizes as her eyes widen, and her first instinct is to apologize—until she sees his face flush and his pupils dilate. Hunger takes form in his irises. It makes something deep inside of her ache.

His only response is a low groan as he starts moving his hips.

She's reduced to breathy moans as he rocks in and out of her. Rapture and terror spark side-by-side in her gut, and she reaches up, wanting to feel him in every way that she can. Her hands run over his defined chest, the corded lines of his arms and shoulders, his muscled abdomen.

His arms tremble slightly as he holds himself above her, and it stirs something sad and heavy in her chest. To realize that he can't suck on her breasts, or rest his forehead against hers, or cup her face in his hands as he moves inside her. That he can never fully embrace her—not now or ever.

She ignores it.

"H—harder, please," she gasps. He obliges, breathing heavier.

She stays focused on Kyo's face—the tightness of his sharp jawline, the sweat beading on his forehead. The glowing light in his eyes.

But his eyes.

Tohru thought she would like it this way, looking up at him, his stare fixed on her alone as he rocks into her. But now all she sees reflected in his irises is a future where he's not there. Where she'll only meet his eyes through the bars of a cage, or through the window of the Cat's room, or maybe not at all.

She ignores that, too.

Her eyes dart to any distraction she can find, hazy as his hips press in and out. She hones in on his neck—the patch of skin where she bit down and claimed him as her own. Even in the dark she sees the bruise, red and purple and beautiful and ugly.

It feels _wrong_ to mark him like that. Especially when he'll never be hers.

Panic lodges in her throat, growing and mixing with the pure delight that curls in her belly. He thrusts harder into her now, careful and chaotic at the same time. Their panting and sighs begin to match up, and everything is warmth and fullness. She hopes it feels as good to him as it does to her.

His thrusts falter for a moment as he shifts his weight all onto one arm, the veins of his bicep etching themselves more prominently. Tohru doesn't know what he's doing at first, but then his hand drifts between her legs. The angle is awkward, their rhythm interrupted, but Kyo gets the hang of it like he always does, touching her where she's most sensitive, where they're already joined, where she wants him most.

He moans her name as he sinks inside her again and again, as he finds a pattern with his hand. Every instinct in her body tells her to draw him closer— _but she can't_.

She moves with his hips and his hand. The rocking motion floods her entire body with something jittery and insistent. But even though they're as connected as they'll ever be, his face inches from hers, it eats away at her that he'll never be close enough.

Tohru tries to fight it.

Her hands roam from the grooves of his abs up to his back. Something takes ahold of her—maybe it's the desire churning in her gut or the fear thumping in her chest. She scratches at his skin, digging her nails in as he growls her name.

But no matter how deeply she claws into his skin, she finds that she can't tear her way inside. She can't be truly apart of him—even if this moment makes her feel like she is.

It makes her want to cry, even now.

She widens her legs around him, and her toes curl into the bed sheets. Her vision is going white at the corners, like an old photograph. From frustration or from euphoria, she isn't sure anymore. But she's getting close— _both_ of them are, and she wants to run away as much as she wants to run towards it.

His hips drive faster into her, and every sound out of her mouth is high-pitched, strangled, _raw_. His eyes are closed tight now, she realizes. Like he's trying to hold something back.

She doesn't want to hold so much back anymore.

"Kyo-kun," she pants, arching her back with every dizzying sensation. "It's okay… you can…"

"No, I… I _can't—_ "

" _Please,_ Kyo-kun _."_

She watches his face as he starts to lose control, shuddering with him as his thrusts become erratic. His thumb rubs tiny circles against her clit, and his hips snap into her. She babbles his name like it's the only word she knows. He's flushed all the way from his chest to his face that's contorted with pleasure, and his lips are swollen and parted as he gasps her name like a broken harmony.

She watches him, and she wonders how anyone could call someone so beautiful a monster.

When he spends into the condom, it's intimate like nothing she's ever felt before. The fullness of it consumes her and makes her own eyes flutter shut. It's not a slow build like she's used to. Rather, it's a tidal wave that sneaks up on her all at once. She goes over the edge, too, his hips and his hands and the feeling of him inside her overwhelming her with light.

She feels like she's loved. She feels like she's not alone anymore. She feels.

_Don't go._

But amidst the pleasure, a seed of doubt starts to take root in her chest. She realizes that this won't last forever.

She rides out her high, and the only words left in the depths of her heart are—

_Don't go._

She's one with him, and then she's not. It disappears the moment that Kyo moves away. He flops down next to her, breathing hard—and it makes her think of the day that she won't hear the sound anymore.

She wants to lean over, press herself to his chest and feel his heartbeat ring out in her ears. But she can't—

_Don't go._

Tohru is wordless as she gets off the bed, fumbles around on the ground until she finds a shirt and slips it on—oh, his shirt. She doesn't feel like she's really in her own body anymore as she leaves her room, walks down the hall to the bathroom.

She thought that he'd be gone already when she returned—he usually is—but she shuts her bedroom door behind her and there's Kyo, sitting awkwardly on her bed in his boxers like something's changed. It doesn't make her feel better to see him there, because how long until he isn't?

_Don't go._

She sits back down on the bed with him, and something about it makes her feel self-conscious. She avoids his eyes, or maybe he avoids hers, or maybe it's a silent agreement that it's what they both need.

"Sorry for taking this," Tohru blurts out, playing with the hem of his shirt that rests against her thighs. "It was just the first thing I picked up."

"It's fine."

_Don't go._

She grips the fabric. "Would you like it back?"

And Kyo speaks softly, a bit like laughter.

"Nah. Keep it."

It's not like earlier, when she had no idea how she started crying, how she stopped, or anything in between. She has clarity right now, and words in the silence cause tears to well up so quickly that it scares her—

_Don't go._

"Tohru?" Kyo says, and suddenly he's looking at her again. " _Shit,_ did I hurt you?"

She shakes her head, unable to speak anymore.

_Don't go don't go don't—_

" _Tohru_." His eyes are wide with panic, his bangs sweaty and stuck to his forehead. He looks like a mess, and she'd laugh if her body wasn't wracked with sobs right now.

He touches her shoulder, reaches up to dry her cheeks, and it only makes her cry harder. He pulls his hand back as if burned. "If I'm upsetting you, I can give you some space… look, I'll just leave."

Terror spreads throughout her entire body in a way she's only felt once before, when she ran through a hospital and saw her mother, motionless and not breathing and bloody. She reaches out and grabs Kyo's hand when he stands, gripping it like a lifeline.

"Please don't go," Tohru gasps. "Please stay."

"What?"

"Please, I—don't want to be alone, I—" and she sounds just like a crying child to herself, what she's always sounded like every time she's been left behind. "Just stay with me."

"Is… is that what you want _?"_

And saying what she wants is never easy. But with every wall that he breaks down, she can't stop her selfishness from slipping through the cracks anymore.

"Yes, I do, Kyo-kun," she says as she cries. She lifts up his bare wrist and starts pressing kisses to it—feverish, needy. Like an animal.

"Hey, hey, okay," Kyo soothes, taking her hands. "I can stay. It's no big deal."

It feels like everything and nothing as they lay back down, side by side. Her breathing starts to calm back down, falling in time with his. The distance remains like it always does—but their hands are still entangled.

She fiddles with his beads, and she feels too much. The deepest despair sinking in her chest feels the same as the love that burns constant in her heart. And she doesn't understand when she started feeling happy and unhappy at the same time. When she even let herself feel unhappy to begin with.

For the first time in her life, maybe, Tohru admits that it's not enough. Not enough at all. To stay like this, never changing, doing _nothing._

"Please don't go," she whispers.

It will never be enough. Not if she doesn't do something.

"I won't," he says, fingertips light on her skin. "I won't."

* * *

_and i know there's no truth  
_ _there's only moments when you and i are one_  
_give me an answer, a straight answer  
_ _'cause i've got a feeling that love is not enough_

**Author's Note:**

> hoo boy LMFAO. anyways i lied and this is going to be a three part series!! so part 3 is coming very soon!! the rousing conclusion to this wholeass mess…
> 
> just a small disclaimer note that, as i’m very inspired by music while i write, a few lines in this fic are references to howl by florence + the machine and inertia by brother moses!! 
> 
> i’m on [tumblr](https://lesbian-kyoru.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/miss_coverly)!! thank you SO MUCH for reading and for coming along on this ride xoxo
> 
> if you'd like to [reblog](https://lesbian-kyoru.tumblr.com/post/632084542125211648/moments-when-you-and-i-are-one-part-2-of-inertia) or [retweet](https://twitter.com/miss_coverly/status/1316905629211086850?s=20) <3


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